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It's so fucking cold out I just keyed someones car with my nipples by accident.I nippled someone's car.

Yes, i'll take one scoop of "my diet starts tomorrow"

I'm going to open an ice cream shop and name the flavors things like: dont be sad, he's not worth it, you deserve better. That would be awesome!

one of my favorite memes-I always turn down the radio when stuff gets real

When you're driving and realize you're lost, so you turn down the music like 'Shhh, Luke Bryan. I can't shake it for you right now, I'm lost'. Not the lost part but the I can't shake it right now lol

My birthday... cake Vodka is all I need! :)

Will always accept wine

its true........ - Click image to find more Humor Pinterest pins

So true hahahhahaha

Kill them with kindness... And then fart as you walk away.

Kill them with kindness.haha, crop dust those bastards

Yea...

But this is a great inspirational quote because the g in lasagna is what makes it a "nya" sound not "na" and in Italian that's VERY important so basically be as useless as something super important. Lasagna is important. Be the G in lasagna.

Ha ha! Ok, not really, but funny... if there is anything that would suspend leg shaving it would be motherhood. :-)

Woohoo furry leg season is back rofl

True story

True story

Funny Confession Ecard: I usually laugh at my own texts before I send them because I rarely say something that's not hilarious.

Funny Confession Ecard: Good friends discuss their sex lives. Best friends talk about poop.

Funny Confession Ecard: Good friends discuss their sex lives. Best friends talk about poop. (Bestest friends talk about both!

Douche...lol

Don't make excuses for him. You can't put flowers in an asshole and call it a vase. Yep Steve is an asshole cheats on his live in girlfriend and talks bad about his ex wife.

Definitely NOT me, but it made me laugh though. ‍♀️

Funny Confession Ecard: I only seem to remember I want to lose weight AFTER eating 7 cookies.

Everyone's all like, 'This wine pairs well with goat cheese and seafood.' And I'm over here like, 'which one pairs well with pizza rolls?'

Everyone's all like, 'This wine pairs well with goat cheese and seafood.' And I'm over here like, 'which one pairs well with pizza rolls?' Henegar Except i would change it to what pairs well with spray cheese and crackers hahaha

Let me get this straight you eat plucked de-boned carcasses that have had the blood drained out of them and you think that veganism is unnatural?  Go vegan Ⓥ

For my long distance besties!

My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don't even know if I'm kidding or not.

Free, Somewhat Topical Ecard: My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don't even know if I'm kidding or not. Just kidding.

The camel called...haha thanks Colleen,  always the best ones from you! Careful girls when you wear those tiny shorts, specially when your man legs are too big for them.

Funny Courtesy Hello Ecard: The camel called. he wants his toe back.

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